I hate you more than words can describe. I hate you. I hate you so much. I. Hate. You.
I hate how I can have a good day and think that I’m better, and then the next day I can’t find the will to get out of bed. I hate you for making me think that I’m faking it, that I’m looking for attention, so that not even I can validate my own emotions. I hate you for taking away my hope. I hate you for taking away who I am, who I know I am, and making me fight to be the person behind the name that I am so proud of. I hate you for taking me away from my friends, for affecting how I live my life. I hate you for making me into a person that other people don’t understand, for making the confusion behind each persons eyes, for the sentence why can’t you just be normal. I hate you for taking away so much from me. I hate you because I know that even on the best day, especially on the best days, I know that my mother will never fully believe that I am depressed. I hate you because when I tell people about my mental health problem I never say I have depression, I say I take medication for depression because I believe it makes people more comfortable. Because it makes me more comfortable. Because that is the problem.
I hate you, because you make me hate me. Because I am not dealing with you temporarily, because you are not an outside entity that I can fight off and win. I am depressed. It is inside me and it will always be inside me. It is me. I will always have bad days and I have a long lifetime of bad days ahead of me. When I say I hate you, what I’m really saying is that I hate me.
I will never be happy that you are here. I will never pretend you are a gift to be cherished. I will never forget that you are a puzzle piece inside me, something that makes me whole. But I will not live my life hating myself.
I am done with my obsession with the way you consume me. I am done spending so much time being disgusted with myself. I am done pretending that I can separate you and me, that we are somehow different because I give you a fancy name and put a fancy mask on you.
I don’t know if I can ever love you, but I do know that I am done hating you, that I am done hating me. And for the rest, time is the only thing that can tell.
First off I’d like to say I’m sorry. I act strangely around you, I know I’m sensitive. You affect me incredibly, and sometimes I don’t know how to respond or what to do with what I’m feeling. I’m sorry that I expect so much out of you, I feel like I see a part of you that no one else gets to see and I cling to it, and that’s not fair. You should be allowed to live your life in whatever way makes you most happy, without my judgement, and I’m working hard to make sure that’s how it’s going to be for now own. It would be a lie to say that all I want is your happiness, when there is an incredible, insightful, and kind person hiding inside you. Afraid maybe, but definitely hidden behind fake smiles and crude remarks. But whoever you are, whatever you want to be, and however you want to live are not my decisions to make so for now I will work on changing myself, so that one day all I want is your happiness.
Secondly, I would just like to say that I don’t need you. You hurt me a few days ago when you lied to me for no other reason than the fact that you wanted to. I know you knew you upset meand I’m sure you think I overreacted. What you didn’t know is that a few days before I decided you were going to be my safe space, that I was going to trust you fully with my secrets, that I was going to take a blind leap because I couldn’t bare living in the dark, feeling so alone. I was going to stop being so self conscious around you and trust that you would be honest with me, which was a big deal for me. And then you lied to me for fun, and you didn’t know the vow I made to myself, and you didn’t understand how you broke my heart. Again, I should not have put you on that pedestal in which I have no doubt that you had no desire to be on, but at the same time you shouldn’t have lied to me. But it’s okay because I’m not angry. I have a weird sense of resolve actually because I realized with all the honesty in my heart that I don’t need you. I don’t need your lies to my face, I don’t need your disrespect, I don’t need to stay awake worrying about a boy who I think is trapped inside you, but in reality may not even want to come out. I don’t need the pressure I put on myself when I’m around you to act a certain way, to stop being so up tight, to trust, to stop putting up walls. Because you’ve done nothing to deserve it.
I do love you, I’m still not exactly sure how yet but I know for a fact that there is something in my heart that craves for the man I glimpse when you don’t think that anyone is watching. I will try my hardest to accept you for everything you choose to be and stop trying to make you who I think I see. But I will no longer play along to your games, pretend it doesn’t bother me when you lie to me without an ounce of guilt. I am free of your standards and who you want me to be just like you are free of mine. And I hope you will become everything you want yourself to be.
I am proud of you. I am proud of who you are now, but more importantly I am proud of who you will be, who you are working to become. For all the dreams you have and things you want to pursue. I’m proud of you for smiling every day, I’m proud of you for learning from both your successes and your mistakes. I’m proud of you for seeking to understand. I’m proud of you for finally putting yourself out there and believing in yourself. Because maybe this will all crash and burn. Because maybe it’s easier to live a life thinking that you could make a change if you had only tried, instead of knowing that you tried and still failing. But for once that doesn’t matter, because I want to be happy, and I want to know that there is nothing left of me to give when I go. I want to help people, and love fearlessly, and learn with a passion, and I want to fall, and I want to fly. And so H, I want you to know that I am proud of you for this first step in what is hopefully a life long journey. No matter what happens, I believe in you.