Dear N,

First off I’d like to say I’m sorry. I act strangely around you, I know I’m sensitive. You affect me incredibly, and sometimes I don’t know how to respond or what to do with what I’m feeling. I’m sorry that I expect so much out of you, I feel like I see a part of you that no one else gets to see and I cling to it, and that’s not fair. You should be allowed to live your life in whatever way makes you most happy, without my judgement, and I’m working hard to make sure that’s how it’s going to be for now own. It would be a lie to say that all I want is your happiness, when there is an incredible, insightful, and kind person hiding inside you. Afraid maybe, but definitely hidden behind fake smiles and crude remarks. But whoever you are, whatever you want to be, and however you want to live are not my decisions to make so for now I will work on changing myself, so that one day all I want is your happiness.

Secondly, I would just like to say that I don’t need you. You hurt me a few days ago when you lied to me for no other reason than the fact that you wanted to. I know you knew you upset meand I’m sure you think I overreacted. What you didn’t know is that a few days before I decided you were going to be my safe space, that I was going to trust you fully with my secrets, that I was going to take a blind leap because I couldn’t bare living in the dark, feeling so alone. I was going to stop being so self conscious around you and trust that you would be honest with me, which was a big deal for me. And then you lied to me for fun, and you didn’t know the vow I made to myself, and you didn’t understand how you broke my heart. Again, I should not have put you on that pedestal in which I have no doubt that you had no desire to be on, but at the same time you shouldn’t have lied to me. But it’s okay because I’m not angry. I have a weird sense of resolve actually because I realized with all the honesty in my heart that I don’t need you. I don’t need your lies to my face, I don’t need your disrespect, I don’t need to stay awake worrying about a boy who I think is trapped inside you, but in reality may not even want to come out.  I don’t need the pressure I put on myself when I’m around you to act a certain way, to stop being so up tight, to trust, to stop putting up walls. Because you’ve done nothing to deserve it.

I do love you, I’m still not exactly sure how yet but I know for a fact that there is something in my heart that craves for the man I glimpse when you don’t think that anyone is watching. I will try my hardest to accept you for everything you choose to be and stop trying to make you who I think I see. But I will no longer play along to your games, pretend it doesn’t bother me when you lie to me without an ounce of guilt. I am free of your standards and who you want me to be just like you are free of mine. And I hope you will become everything you want yourself to be.

Love Always,



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